No one knew what I was going through. Most of it was because
that’s how I wanted it to be and I do not regret that. But even my family could
have no idea of the daily torture I experienced. The torture has lessened but I
will never escape it. I am aware every day that I am sick. It is like what I
imagine a person goes through who is facing criminal charges but their court
case keeps getting delayed. It is a frustrating process when your fate is in
someone else’s hands and you cannot move on. But eventually of course there
will be an end for them, either freedom or incarceration. I only hope that one
day I will get a real stay of execution and a chance at freedom. I have to hope
–what else can I do?
For the first
time in my life the New Year holds no promise of a new beginning. I will spend
the rest of my life reliant on blood tests to see whether I am holding my own
in my battle against plasma cell leukemia. I hate that I have this disease. I
hate that I may have done something to put myself in this position. I hate that
this will never really be over until I am dead.
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