I thought at least when I re-joined the Christmas shoppers
this year I would feel connected again. But I don’t. That is the one thing I
didn’t anticipate. I thought when I was physically better I would be mentally
better as well. But I’m not. I am changed forever. I still feel like I’m an
alien observing earth from my spaceship. There are days when I can’t believe
this is happening to me. It’s like I see myself across the room and I am
someone I don’t want to meet. I can’t seem to engage in casual conversation or
take any interest in trivial affairs. I look around at the objects in my home
and wonder why I thought it was important to buy any of them. They are just
useless things. I think of the people I have been friends with for years. I
should call them, but I never pick up the phone. I don’t know what I would say.
More than when I was hiding my disease, perhaps now I am truly defeated by it.
I want to skype family but I know I won’t be good company. I am glued to the
news. I am emotionally involved with the dead and dying and I don’t think I
will ever totally walk the earth like I used to. I’ve never felt as completely
alone as I do now.
The only thing I
can do for myself and for my family is to pretend everything is all right and
put on a positive attitude. This year I am going to make Christmas the best
ever. We put up the Christmas tree on December 1st and decorated it.
Many of our tree ornaments were bought in places we visited or stayed over the
years. A little mailbox from the inn we stayed at for our first anniversary
sits near the top of the tree. A train from Minnesota where we lived once, a
San Francisco cable car, a little Shakespeare doll from London, and a beeswax
heart from New Zealand reminded me of the journey I had already taken. I sat in
the evening and looked at my life through those ornaments and tried to truly
appreciate how many happy moments I have had and how long I have been able to
avoid THE BIG GIANT FOOT. I knew I should feel genuinely happy that I, like Arj
Barker said, was here now, enjoying this moment. So I started buying little
presents, Christmas crackers and stocking stuffers. I wrote out Christmas cards
and ordered gifts for the overseas relatives. Abby and Charlotte made plans to
come home. This time there would be nothing shocking to tell them. They could
relax and enjoy themselves. Alex was going to take two weeks’ off. We would all
be together for Christmas and it would be wonderful. Although the threat of my
disease would always be over me, I promised myself that this holiday I wouldn’t
talk about it, dwell on it or fear it. I would live, laugh and love with those
who mean the most to me in the world.
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